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The Candidates Go Car Shopping

The presidential candidates go car shopping:


Ted Cruz: The failed policies of the past have led us to this lot. Look at all these beautiful creatures, waiting to be taken home but instead they languish, unused, not contributing to our economy. Made by godly people, assembling something they believe in. Solid cars that protect the precious cargo they carry, which is the American family; a mother, a father, and as many children as the good Lord provides. Supporting our American economy with a gasoline powered engine, the traditional choice of  the traditional family. Now as you good folks all know, New York values say we shouldn’t drive these cars. “Buy electric,” “go solar,” the elites tell us, “go hybrid;” one engine too weak to go the distance so in needs another. That’s for the rootless, for people who can only plug into the power of others, not their own. Those who lend power but don’t make it…you know who I’m talking about. And they own the banks and the newspapers but do not feel the power of coal and earth as we do. Just as this administration seeks to take away our right to arms and ammunition, they will take away our cars and the very fuel that makes them run, yet welcome all sorts of traffic to drive through our borders from the south. This is not the America my parents came to this country from Canada for. My friends, imagine instead a flat tax and a flat world with no mountains, no regulations slowing us down, with our American cars driving us toward that shining city of the hill, delivering us from evil and to God’s providential blessings. We’re going to take this highway back!

Marco Rubio: This is the American dream. This is the car of the future and I am the President for the future. My parents escaped a place where they couldn’t have a car like this and now they can and that’s why America is a great place and I’m going to make America great again. I can have what I want and need and so can you. You may have to ask for someone to pay for it. For now. Because you can take out a loan and get someone to co-sign for you. There is no shame in that. Because it is for the future. I am thinking about the future, not about the failed debts of the past. That’s how I bought my house; someone believed in me just as I believe in you. Just as we all believe in God and In God We Trust. If this car does not get us out in front, if we do not lead, chaos follows. Some say I should step aside and wait my turn; but I cannot. We’re going to take this car back!


Jeb Bush: I don’t have to buy this car. I could buy another car. I could buy a whole bunch of cars. I could buy the whole dealership. But I don’t because I want you to be able to buy it, with the money you will get from the Republican party cutting taxes on the middle class, taxes that keep you from driving the car you want and need. I’ve written a book about this. My wife is from Mexico and her people are our people and they made this car free from the oppression of labor unions, so-called worker rights, pensions and health care and all that soft squishy stuff that we don’t need here. I don’t need a pension or health care. And the Muslims. They built it without the Muslims. Because we are a Christian country. That’s why my family came here on the Mayflower. We used conservative principles and I’m proud of them as I am proud of my dad and my brother and the way they drove this economy. They drove it. To get away from that kind of oppression. We are going to drive the American economy. We’re going to take this car back, back to where it came from!


Bernie Sanders: I’m not gonna buy that car. I’m not going to buy it because the system is rigged and the highway I would drive it on is rigged and the gasoline in the tank is rigged, and the American people know that. Secretary Clinton can buy that car because Goldman Sachs paid her $600,000 to make speeches about how great that rigged system is. I’m not going to do that. I have great respect for Secretary Clinton but I’m not gonna to do that. She can do that, I will support her right to do that, but I'm not gonna do that. We need to stop looking at cars and start looking at the roads we are driving them on, and get the fat cats and the financiers walking on the same road the rest of us are walking on. And we need to slow down and pick up some of the people by the side of the road, the ones that can’t afford this car.

Hilary Clinton: Well let me just say that I’ve spent a lot of time with the folks who made this car, and I’ve sat down with them and listened to them and what I hear over and over again is that it’s not the car, it’s the road. It’s the roads all across this great country, the highways they have to roll down, every day, whether they are feeling good or bad, or have a sick child at home. And I know where they are rolling because I have been there. As you know, my life has been quite a road trip! And I have a plan for that, and as you know I’ve been working with people on both sides of the road on that plan for many miles now. I have the experience. I can talk to the dealer and to the mechanic and to the gal in the office who is going to finalize your loan. Others may talk about the yellow brick road but I know how to get the thing paved.


Donald Trump: We wouldn’t be looking at this car if I hadn’t made it get built.  But if you don’t buy this car, they’re gonna come over the border and grab it. They didn’t do anything to make it get made. I know these people, I know what they are doing. I get it. But they don’t get it. You get it. So take it. It’s yours. You deserve it.  You have a right to this car. You made it get made. Some Mexican coming over the border to steal the car, he doesn’t deserve it. We’re gonna get him out of here. But you sir, the car is yours. I would do that. I would just give you the car. The good people. You people. I love you people. And you love that I love that. I already bought all the cars. I’ll give you one. We’ll have a good time. Then you’ll see. I’m going to take this car back! And I don’t care who’s driving it.

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